9-23-98. 22 years old. The sight of a couple holding hands reminded me of an experience I once felt. The experience is love. As I sat there eating my pizza alone, I watched them leave, smiling, giggling and holding hands. They both looked so happy, so content being with each other. Nothing in the world mattered to either of them at that moment and they were happy knowing that fact. I couldn’t help but notice the empty feelings that rose up within me as I watched them leave the pizza shop. Will I have those moments again, of love, of having someone to hold my hand, of someone laughing at my jokes I thought to myself. I don’t know. Katie accepted me and she didn’t care about my health. We had the relationship of a couple who had been together for years when it came to accepting one another despite only being together for a year. Nothing affected the two of us about the other. I don’t know if I will ever find another girl like Katie, a girl who will love me for who I am and not be concerned with the physical. If I could take back all the fights I had with Katie I would, because proving whose right or wrong is meaningless when you’re alone. Even though our relationship didn’t stand the tests of time, she accepted me for who I was during those times we spent together. I have since not allowed love back in. Maybe I am afraid to open up because the other person might be frightened from what I have, from where I will be physically in the years to come and of which I have no control over. I don’t know if I can handle that sort of rejection. And yet if I want what I saw at the pizza shop today then I must subject myself to the unknown, to my greatest fear. I’m just not sure I’m strong enough to face that.
