3-11-07 Self Study Book #1. 29 years old. As I approached the mall parking lot, I noticed how crowded it was and how difficult it was going to be to find a parking spot. Even the handicap spots were all taken. Up and down the aisles I combed looking for a parking spot. “Today was going to be a walking day” was the first thought. I should have known better than to entertain this thought because this thought opened the door for Antithesis Super-Man. “Just go home and do it tomorrow.” “There will be a plethora of eyes watching you walk through the mall today.” “Do you have the strength to walk far today?” My trusty antithesis super-man self appearing in times of distress, to rescue me from the watchful eyes of society, to protect my little self from
judgment, to keep me safe and then disappear when the cost is clear. Finally a parking spot opened up and the thoughts sub-sided for the moment. The parking spot happened to be the closest one to the mall entrance, no more than 10 yards away. What I didn’t realize at the time was that this parking spot was actually the furthest spot away from where I needed to be inside the mall. As I sat in my jeep in the parking spot, I felt antithesis super-man attempting one last plea to rescue me from entering the mall. I would not listen and out the jeep door I went. I walked a hundred yards before my legs felt heavy. My body’s balance rocked left and right as I walked through the mall, similar to a person on a boat out at sea. My hip flexors felt tight and unforgiving. My legs and body did not want to move in ways of smoothness. I stopped walking and stood next to a railing overlooking the first floor of the mall. As I stood there, I tried to collect myself by breathing in through the nose and out the mouth. The break lasted for five minutes and then I resumed my walk. It must have been another one hundred yards before I felt the same tiredness and holding back feeling as before and again I stopped walking for five minutes. I was not even half way and already I took 2 breaks. Frustration started to set in and I no longer wanted to be there. I quickly pulled myself back from frustration as I felt myself
preparing to cry. “You can do this, don’t focus on the negative” was what I began to tell myself. And the walking resumed. The strange thing is that for 20 yards after I rested, for 5 minutes, my walking felt good. It was in the following 80 yards that I began to feel my ankles rolling to the outsides and my body swaying left to right even more. This is the point where people started to
stare at me and I started to feel real uncomfortable. It was also the point where I stopped focusing on myself and started focusing on how I looked to other people. My walking in turn became worse as a result of my lack of focus. Finally after half an hour I arrived at my destination. Time is well spent there collecting my energy for the walk back. The same result happens for the walk
back that happened for the walk to, lack of movement. The feeling is again as if there is concrete in my shoes, a parachute open on my back, all while standing on a small boat out at sea rocking back and forth. I arrive back to the jeep frustrated with my body movements. It’s frustrating for the fact that I have put myself through boot camp by stretching twice a day, eating fruits/vegetables and taking nasty supplements and yet my body is unwilling to respond to my efforts. I start to question what I am doing and if all this effort for little or no result is worth it. Everything has a time of when it is suppose to show up in your life, I believe, and all you can do is wait. I am tired of waiting and witnessing this body change. I cannot heal myself, only God can heal me and I don’t even know if he is listening.
