10-29-99.  The Other Way Journal.  22 Years Old.  I find myself at the bars every Friday and Saturday night thinking about where my life is going.  As I look around at all the people at the bar, I can’t help but think they are living the average life.  These people work a 40 hour week, have money to buy things and then they go home to a house they work to maintain all in the name of living.  There is nothing wrong with this.  But I start to think about where I fit in among all these people?  What I’ve come up with is I don’t.  Every now and then there are these impulses of something more purposeful out there exists.  These impulses stem from feelings of being left behind.  There are a lot of things I have left because they were too hard or too difficult or just plan time consuming.  I’ve tried to keep up but something pulled me away.  What pulled me away were fear and lack of motivation.  I was afraid of spending all this time in school, studying, preparing myself for a career and then when I graduate my body stops working ‘normally’ and then I’ll wish I had spent more time doing the physical stuff.  I don’t want to lose the time I can be physical by being stuck in a classroom when time is clearly not on my side.  The motivation to better myself has been replaced with, ‘what good will it do when in the end I’ll be in a wheelchair’.  You hear about people who had struggles in their life were motivated to change; they held their dreams tight, worked hard each day, prayed that one day God would deliver them and sure enough their life changed for the better.  I don’t know if my life will get better even if I do what these people did.  I try to exercise to strengthen my body.  I read positive books to keep my mind from turning negative on me.  I even pray to God for answers of why I have
muscular dystrophy.  In the short time I’ve done these things I’ve been met with lack of results.  So I’ve given up on trying to change and simply allow whatever happens to happen.