4-7-07  Self Study Book#1.  29 years old.  Last night I had a dream.  I was walking with a few of my friends and I noticed that they had all gone ahead of me.  The space that separated us was divided by descending steps.  There was no way around these steps and there was no railing to assist me.  I stood there and watched them continue on their walk, all without waiting for me.  If I wanted to be with them, I would have to confront my fear of walking down the steps.  As their existence became shorter and shorter, the time to act increased.  My heart rate accelerated, my legs grew weak and my thoughts were on falling, as I felt myself contemplating walking down these steps.  Will my legs support me when I land?  Will my ankles roll when I land, causing me to fall?  Will my stomach and hips move forward, similar to arching my body forward, with my head and feet trying to catch up as I land on the step?  Will I fall on my face and break something?  These thoughts prevented me from moving forward by reminding me of my disease and the inability to walk down stairs safely, despite taking place in my dream.  Something inside of me told me to just believe, have faith and take the step.  The hardest part in the dream was taking that first step.  Finally I stepped out in faith and landed on the first step.  I was still standing and so I decided to take another step.  The way in which I walked down the steps was as if I had done it my entire life.  There was no weakness found in my legs, ankles, stomach and hips and most importantly no broken bones.  In all of this the funny thing is I never celebrated as if something miraculous just happened.  If I had walked down the stairs in waking consciousness there most definitely would be shouting and an enormous amount of joy in my life at that very moment.  Instead in my dream, I simply started to catch up with my friends.  When I woke up the next morning I had this feeling of accomplishment.  In past dreams, I was never able to rise up to my fears and defeat them.  I always woke up before the
accomplishment took place and wondered if I would ever be able to walk down steps, get up from the floor without help, run and any activity involving the physical movement of the body.  Even though this was just a dream, I feel something deeper took place.  Inside my dream everything felt as real as it does right now as I am typing and as you are reading.  The mind cannot tell the
difference between dreaming and “real” life.  If you can face your fears inside your dreams, what is preventing you from facing them outside of your dreams?  I have since told myself that in order to overcome my fears, my disease; I must first overcome them inside my mind.  If I cannot see it then I cannot receive it.