7-28-99. The Other Way Journal. 22 Years old. We were doing exceptionally well and moving very fast together. I was becoming more comfortable with having her around me and began expressing myself more to her. Past disastrous relationships faded away when in her presence, which helped in my healing process by forgetting them, and this made spending time with her even more important to me. I found myself thinking about her all the time; what was she doing at such and such time, what did she mean when she said such and such, and is she really interested in me. I played the mental game all over again. I tried to prevent myself from this bad habit before I got into this situation but seemed to flow right back when times became tough. It’s not easy dating someone with a disability. There is added attention put on the ‘normal’ body person when out in public with a ‘disabled’ body person. I see this added attention and I’m not the ‘normal’ one. Is she really ready for this? And is she ready for me? My gut feeling of a couple weeks ago proved accurate in picking up her non-mutual feelings toward me as we spoke on the phone. She suggested taking things a little slower and she wanted to get to know me better before rushing into anything. My biggest fear had come true. What I was running from I couldn’t escape. No matter how hard I tried to think she was different, she wasn’t. She didn’t want to date me due to my condition, the struggles I’d face in the coming years. She never actually said that but I knew this was the reason. Why else
would she not want to date me after the preceding weeks/months of getting to know each other? And now I’m the one left alone trying to figure out the ‘fate’ thing.
