12-21-99. The Start of Something New Journal. 22 Years Old. A girlfriend allowed for me to express my feelings with the knowing that she would understand them. And now that 3 years have gone by and I haven’t had a girlfriend, I cannot help but notice my feelings are missing. The feelings have become trapped within me. I feel that nobody cares and so why should I? I doubt my abilities and my confidence in ever finding a woman is all but gone. As a consequence, my personality has become withdrawn. I notice this change and yet I cannot stop it from consuming me. No matter how hard I try to pump in positive
thoughts, the negative ones are the only ones I’m noticing. I had a girlfriend but she dumped me. The hard part was in finding out she broke up with me for another guy. It’s hard to not blame it on muscular dystrophy. I know people are afraid of what possibilities might lay ahead. Will I be physically fit to provide for the family? Will this disorder be passed down to our children? Will this disorder be a strain on the finances? I’m sure she thought about these questions and felt that a future with me would be too risky. I just wish she could have looked passed that. Do women want a physically fit guy? Women most definitely want a man who will be physical. As time passes and my ability to do physical activities diminishes, I lose faith in myself ever being happy and in a loving relationship. I thought she was the one for me and now I’m left with this black cloud of doubt hanging over my head and in my thoughts. This one will be tough for me to recover from and I’m afraid I may never be the same from here on out.
